Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
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When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.