her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
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me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Me recordaron éste meme
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do