Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
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Put this video in the Louvre
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it