her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
You Might Also Like
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
umm…
I’m giving up for Lent.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.