HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
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no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*