HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
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me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house