Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
You Might Also Like
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”