her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
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Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.