HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
You Might Also Like
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas