Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
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My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
lol
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty