Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
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@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
when dads have a rap battle
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.