her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
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Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.