Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
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Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*