Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too

Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit

new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people had asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.

Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.

The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles

My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.

Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.

Good times!

You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt

Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?

Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*

*i did

Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.

Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.

*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*

*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*

hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield

If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.

When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.

best first i’ve ever seen

Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.

I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks

#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring

Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: hindsight

professor x: that won’t help us

me: yes I see that now

Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.

Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET

If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..

“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”

We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.

Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him

Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.

😂😂

2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |