her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
You Might Also Like
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.