her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
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This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.