Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
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When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
won’t smith
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.