Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
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The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
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Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.