Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
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quarantine day 3
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
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My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.