Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
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Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
How dude HOW?!
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good