Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
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Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
I’m giving up for Lent.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home