Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
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I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
SF is the wild wild west man
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Pat is about to own someone
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.