Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
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PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?