Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
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Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.