Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
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My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
wtf management?!