Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
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A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
From my Mom