Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
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“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Thursday Thought.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
the last thing a carrot sees
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.