Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
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[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
#DesignFail
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.