Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
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My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.