Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
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Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.