her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
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Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
fly smarter, not harder
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
“I FIXED IT!”