Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
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At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
who named him groot and not spruce lee