Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
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The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
“Sheer Arrogance”
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.