Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
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Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?