HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
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Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Everything reminds me of my ex
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.