her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
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So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS