Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
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[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
CUTE CAT‼︎
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
This is sending me to another galaxy
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again