Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
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I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?