Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
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No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.