Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
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12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Just got to our Airbnb!
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.