Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
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My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn鈥檛 have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 馃幎if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 馃幎Hi HOOOOOO
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
I鈥檝e had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he鈥檚 not on the menu
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what鈥檚 the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he鈥檚 just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot