Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
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I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
I am laughing way too hard at this.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?