Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
You Might Also Like
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.