My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
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I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.