@KidsArentOnFire My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
@goodhairperson Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
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@KidsArentOnFire 
@Marcmywords2 I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
@XplodingUnicorn My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
@tassletie No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
@smithsara79 Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
@WolfGangOfFour Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
@ElgatoEsmio I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
@misslillytoyou You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
@SoVeryBritish Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
@OhNoSheTwitnt Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.