@goodhairperson

Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.

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@KidsArentOnFire

My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.

@Marcmywords2

I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.

@XplodingUnicorn

My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.

@tassletie

No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.

@smithsara79

Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me

@WolfGangOfFour

Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!

Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.

Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!

Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…

@ElgatoEsmio

I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS

@SoVeryBritish

Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.