her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
You Might Also Like
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.