Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
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I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
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Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.