Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
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Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.