Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
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Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Me as a therapist: omg same
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.