HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
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Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?