her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
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I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Great Canadian literature.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
superman landing like a plane on his belly
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.