Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
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Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
When I said I liked it rough.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value