Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
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If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away