Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
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*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.